I MISS YOU!!!

what my stars say today? hmmmm...hahahaha!

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)

The Bottom Line

You are ready for serious bold action today! Step up and make some grand gestures.

In Detail

You are ready for seriously bold action today! It's time to step up and make the grand gestures you know you can make. If you have been beating around the bush with someone you have growing feelings for, today is the day to bite the bullet and confess your true feelings. It's now or never. If you have been contemplating a travel adventure, today is the day to book the tickets and commit to going. Time is slipping away, you need to act now to get what you want.

i'm beginning to hate december

i just cannot understand why people close to my heart choose december to say goodbye
ang sad di ba?
i used to associate december with Christmas parties, gifts, new clothes, shoes, toys
now i'm beginning to think that this is a month of tearful goodbyes...

terima kasih!

after a tiring shift on a cold, gloomy, rainy day
it's nice to come home to a place where hot breakfast awaits you
and friends who are interested in hearing how your day was

thanks to my puyatan buddies for waiting for me to come home
and eating breakfast with me. ;p

sorry napuyat kayo. much appreciated po. mwah!

i like this poem. thanks rajsh!

Ruth Bell Graham’s Poem

“Dear God,” I prayed, all unafraid (as girls won’t be)
“I do not want a handsome man
but let him be like Thee
I don’t need one big and strong, nor one so very tall,
Nor need he be so genius, or wealthy, Lord, at all.

But let his head be high, dear God,
and let his eyes be clear
His shoulders straight, whatever his state,
Whatever his earthly sphere.
And let his face have character, a ruggedness of soul,
And let his whole life show, dear God,
A singleness of goal.

And when he comes, as he will come,
With quiet eyes aglow,
I’ll understand that he’s the man
I prayed for long ago.

In His wonderful Name Jesus Christ, Amen.”

naks che! me ganun? hehe!

MOOrry Christmas!!!

few days to go before Christmas!!!

i miss...

sablay!

magulo ako

Confusion: a mental state characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behavior. A definition from www.thefreedictionary.com

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of perseverance — i.e., believing that a positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.

hehe! sabi nga ni mj: "have a little faith."

sige sis, maniniwala ako sa 'yo. ;p

...

I wanna be somebody who's good enough to be seen with you.

bitin!

back to work
tapos na talaga bakasyon ko
huhuhu!
kakagaling ko lang sa malaysia
was there from 9am to 430pm
sa jb nga lang
kasi ba naman kaninang umaga lang namin naisip yun, mga 5am
so wala nang time kung sa kl punta kasi papasok nga ako ng 11pm
hay!
me next time pa naman

hay!

ang bilis ng araw!
friday na
end of my vacation
few hours to go
i'm gonna be going back to work
will surely miss our bonding moments every night
susulitin ko ang gabing ito, hehe!
chat, nuod tv, kain, kwentuhan,tawanan, yosi
hay!
sarap sana tumambay lang
pero syempre kelangan magtrabaho
hay ulet!
ilang oras na lang
makikita ko na ang workstation ko
makikita ko na ang mga teammates ko
ang boss ko
ang vendo
back to work na
kelan naman kaya ang susunod na bakasyon ko?

eto na!

*tantararan*

bumsville officially starts today

after being with DBS for exactly 3 months i am taking my annual leave

*clap*

*clap*

*clap*

i am not gonna work for 9 days

but i am just gonna be staying here in singapore

well, malaysia plans are not yet definite

*crossing my fingers*

::EXCERPT::

yes, she finally decided to leave

but she had to see him

she had to talk to him

and she met up with him

that was 3 days before she left

they talked, ate, laughed, talked some more

just a couple of hours

but it made her really happy

she wanted to hug him, kiss him goodbye when it was time for him to leave

but she opted not to do anything

afraid he's gonna be upset

so they parted ways

it was the last time they saw each other

1 day to go!

what's playing

BEST I EVER HAD - Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

this is it...

i've realized

that no matter how big the smile i flash whenever i am with my friends,

no matter how i convince myself that i am better this way,

no matter how many times i tell the world that i've gotten over what happened in the past,

at the end of the day

when i am all alone

i still can feel the emptyness, pain and longing

i can lie to others but i cannot lie to myself

i cannot convince myself that i am ok

and i cannot hide my feelings to myself.

ang cute ng cow glass ko!

hehe! sa wakas nakabili na din ako ng Daisy chocolate milk. hirap hanapin nun sa grocery ha. naghanap kami sa cold storage kahapon pero pangit ang design. sa fairprice kami nakabili. ang cute kasi ng baso. free yun for every two cartons of milk. cow design. ayan yung pix sa taas. 'la lang. naaliw lang ako. ;p

she's finally here!

Singapore welcomes Jacq Uy!

my sis is here

finally

so bad she's just spending a night in SG

she has to leave for KL again by tom pm to take her return flight to manila by midnight

and worse, I am working tonight

was tempted not to go to work and just get MC but my better self prevailed

so here i am all sleepy and tired trying my best to focus

good thing benneth was there to be jacq's company for the night

she's requesting for a tour to see the famous merlion and esplanade theater

well, so much for my well-deserved sleep tomorrow

good luck to me!

tuesday

i am sick

still

hay!

i am at work

i can't wait for the shift to end

i can't wait for wednesday

my sis, jacq, will be arriving here in singapore

and on thurs, elaine too.

whoa!

:-(

*sigh*

im bored

im sick

got a very bad case of colds

and it's raining

current addiction

my roommate mj noticed that i'm being addicted to blogging

yes, i admit i am already an addict

'ilalagay ko 'to sa blog ko', that's what i always say when something interested happens

well, actually, interesting or not, i just want to write about it

i am a blog addict

until when? i can't tell

thanks to night shift. ;p

woot! woot!

they're up

yipee!

me the HBO PAK, star movies at cinemax na kami

at last

di na lang EPSN at nick and papanuorin ko

happy rest day to me!

ang starhub. bow!

i've been checking channel 58 since 11am today

and up to now what i can see is nothing but a blank screen

i had star movies added to our subscription plan earlier today coz there's a movie that i wanna watch

i don't know why we did not include channel 58 to the list when we applied for our cable subscription

i think i was too sleepy while talking to starhub peeps that day so i just said yes to whatever they suggested when we had our subcription processed

well, i just had our plan upgraded to include my fave channels ;p

i have to wait within 24 hours

it's been 12 hours

blank screen still

hay!

waiting

waiting

waiting

the pic says it all...

chinky but cute, huh?

the pic says it all...

nonsense?

4:37am na

at wala pa din akong magawa

well, ito po ang isa sa mga perks ng late shift

kaya eto blog lang ng blog

check ng friendster

browse ng kung anu-anong website

di ako inaantok ngayon, himala!

off kasi ako tonight ;p

gusto ko ng bagong cell phone

gusto kong mag-travel

miss ko na ang mga tao sa pinas

hay!

yan ha, obviously, wala talaga akong magawa

3 hours to go uuwi na ko

sana masarap ang breakfast....

bagong lugar

opo, di na po ako taga-avila gardens

ako po ay nasa hdb na ngayon

medyo malayo pa rin sa mrt station ng tampines pero may bus stop naman sa baba ng place namin

yun nga lang 2 bus numbers lang ang dumadaan

bus 29 na matagal na aantayin

at bus 293 na maraming stops bago makarating ng bus interchange

di ako nagrereklamo ha, nagshe-share lang ;p

marami namang bus stops sa me place namin

kaso maglalakad ng malayo ng konti

ok naman ang neighborhood dun

tahimik

pag gabi, nakakatakot, hehe!

ako lang pala natatakot

parang me mumu kasi, hehe!

me maliit ka kubo sa baba ng apartment

at me school sa tapat

me maliit na playground sa me likod

me hawker sa tapat

malapit sa bahay nina janice, dj, len, fed at carol

few bus stops lang papunta ng mrt, bus interchange, tampines mall

overall, maganda yung location

maganda yung bahay

post ko pics baka tomorrow ;p

ouch!

masakit ang gums ko.

si benneth kasi nagluto ng dilis

sobrang crispy

e nagmamadali ako kumain ng dinner

yun, natusok ako ng dilis sa gilagid

at di lang isang beses

tatlo!

san ka pa?

masakit ang gilagid ko

salamat sa dilis

salamat ke benneth

hehe!

bagong mukha: hanginlangako.multiply.com

naisip ko lang palitan

ganda naman di ba?

bakit required ang block leave?

hay!

bakit nga ba?

ayan tuloy naka-leave ako from nov 21 to 27

at wala akong gagawin ha

tambay lang sa bahay

di ako uuwi ng pinas, masyado pa maaga

at magastos, hehe!

sana kasi pwede kunin ang VL credits ng paisa-isang araw

di yung ganyan

hay!

real ones

singapore.

malayong lugar

at andito ako ngayon

dami ko na natutunan

mahirap pala talaga makisama

lalo na pag magkasama kayo sa isang bahay

lalabas ang tunay na ugali, ang tunay na kulay

tatlong buwan

kailangan ko silang iwan

bagong bahay, bagong buhay

one fine tuesday

2:32 am

i am at work

really don't know what's on my mind when i requested for this shift

my batchmates are on the regular shift, morning shift or afternoon shift

not as late as mine

and yes, it is a permanent night shift

is it because i do not go out at night? dateless, hehe!

the vampire in me cannot sleep during the night time

so it's good that i can make myself useful at night

when i was still in day shift, i usually go to work 'bangag' due to lack of sleep

hay!

i am happy with my shift, nothing much to do

internet access

but my housemates are all on regular shift

so at night, while i am at work, they are doing their girly things, bonding sessions WITHOUT ME!!!

huhuhu!

tv programs much interesting during night times

shift allowance is higher for permanent night shift

well.. i cannot have everything that i want

at least i have some

and i am happy

thank you lah!

a lot of things already happened since i got here in singapore

and i have to thank all who stayed with me through these

without you i would have gone back to manila in no time ;p

mj and fed for weekend bonding moments. weekends are gonna be so boring without you.

benneth for being makulit and persistent. my plans were realized because of you.

shaine for always being there. sorry minsan sablay ako. hehe!

carol, dj, janice and len for sharing their rooms when i don't want to go home. thanks sa pag-ampon. sobrang enjoy ako sa sleepovers ko sa place nyo. guys, dalaw kayo sa bahay ha. my turn to share our place with you. hehe!

och for the super sarap na food lagi sa bahay nila pag tumatambay ako dun. ang galing mo magluto, sis!

yun po. thank you, guys for making my singapore life a lot better.

the storm may not yet be over

but knowing that you're there makes me strong to face life's challenges.

luv you, guys!

???

Definitions from http://www.yourdictionary.com

Give up: to stop; cease; to admit failure and stop trying; to lose hope for

Hopeless: having no expectation of, or showing no sign of, a favorable outcome

End: the last part of anything; final point; finish; completion; conclusion

Numb: weakened in or deprived of the power of feeling

Broken: incomplete, not in working condition, cracked into pieces

Incapable: lacking the necessary ability, competence, strength

thanks!

finally

we got a new place

benneth, mj, shaine (and soon elaine)

benneth and i moved in last friday afternoon

mj moved in yesterday

fed and chelle were the first visitors coz they helped us carrying our stuff last friday

carol went here yesterday

she was impressed with how big the unit is and how cheap we will be paying for this

(thanks to the super friendly owner who agreed to lease the house to us)

we got our cable and internet subscription (thanks to the benneth's pangungulit and persistence)

we bought kitchen and dining room 'starters' sa ikea kagabi

so tired

i slept for over 12 hours last night

kakagising ko lang ;p

yep, i admit mejo tight na ang budget for this month

ang daming gastos!

laptop, cable, SP services installation, phone bills, ikea purchases, groceries, etc, etc

pero masaya ;p

;p

tired

sleepy

i wanna go HOME!

few hours to go...

well...

i am stressed

i am hurt

i am emotionally-harassed

i am mentally-tortured

i am physically unwell

i am still thankful that i am blessed

it is during these tough times that i come to know who the real ones are

and i thank those who stood by me through these all

with a silent prayer that everything's gonna be alright

*crossing my fingers*

i soo like this song

The First Time I Loved Forever

The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am

The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide

And if wishes and dreams are merely for
children
And if love's a tale for fools
I'll live the dream with you

For all my life and forever
There's a truth I'll always know
When my world divides and shatters
Your love is where I'll go

SONNET XVII - Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries hidden within itself the light of those flowers, and thanks to your love, darkly in my body lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.  I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving  but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

hay buhay!

isang tulog na lang

my pink luggage will finally be home

we're moving to a new place

ako, mj, shaine at benneth

excited nako!

araw ng pagbabayad ng bahay - 4th of the month

naalala ko lang

haggard

sa wakas! tapos na ang isa sa dalawang crucial moments sa training namin

thank God!

two more weeks of puyat, stress, restlessness

hay! ayoko mapauwi ng luhaan. hehe!

konti na lang

kapit lang...

so tired

the worst is yet to come...

wala lang

ansakit...

can i cry?

mirror, mirror on the wall

ang sabi ng salamin:

"ang laki ng eyebags mo, che! sana matulog ka na."

hehehe!

yep, i just noticed how big my eyebags are. need to sleep more. 3 hours per day is not enough. ;p

will sleep na. have to go to work early tom. training is really tough.

tomorrow is our first exam.

have to do really good.

please help me pray.

gotta go!

mwah!

sorry

one day

everything will make perfect sense

thanks!

for taking time to ask how am i doing
for being interested in what's keeping me busy
for wanting to see how am i living my life now
for the support
for the pang-aasar

for simply remembering

for making me happy

can't say anything more but thanks!

3 words

11:24pm

after my relaxation and deep thinking 'moment'
habang nagbababad sa pool at tumatambay sa sauna
dami ko naisip, narealize
kaya eto po

i've got 3 words to say

"i miss you"

pagod
yun lang

missing home...

to those planning to visit me here in SG

hehehe!

have made several friends commit to visit me here
or should i say i forced them to commit?

will let them stay here at our place in avila gardens
instead of renting a hotel room =)
for tipid and bonding purposes
hehe!

eto lang requests ko:

1. teriyaki boy sukiyaki beef teriyaki and california maki
2. yellowcab's chicken pasta
3. menthos
4. goldilock's pulburon, assorted
5. yakisoba spicy chicken
6. jack and jill potato chips, yung barbecue (iba lasa nung andito)
7. dairy milk chocettes (iba din lasa ng dairy milk dito, wala pa ko nakita chocettes)
8. winston lights, marlboro menthol (for everybody here, pag di sa budget airport dadaan pwede kahit gano karami yosi dala =p)
9. ginisa mix, sinigang mix
10. goldilocks egg pie
11. nestea icetea lemon
12. oishi sun icetea, apple or strawberry
13. cream o, yung chocolate
14. sugo or happy peanuts
15. biogesic, neozep, decolgen at buscopan

puro food noh? ayoko kasi food dito eh.
hehe!

friends, you don't have to bring everything on the list, hehe!

basta yan ang gusto kong pasalubong.

don't worry we'll make your SG experience worthwhile, ahehe!

mahal ko kayo!

mwah!

bratinella?

been here for 6 days

the bratinella in me is making my housemates crazy
been craving for teriyaki boy sukiyaki beef teriyaki since this morning
there isn't any teriyaki boy here in SG
they have yoshinoya, pizzahut, mcdo, kfc, burger king
but i want teriyaki boy
i don't they they have teriyaki boy in malaysia either, hehe!

annie's going home on the 31st
and i asked her to bring sukiyaki beef and california maki from teriyaki boy when she gets back on september 5th for me
christine is requesting for gonuts donut, maan wants yosi

missing home

been here in SG since monday

i miss home
i miss my family
i miss my friends

1st weekend in SG

7:55pm, Saturday

my first weekend here in SG
i am sick
have colds and headache

just had dinner of buttered sayote with chicken
and maan's breaded crabsticks
and yes, i ate sayote
hehe! thanks to russell for my first veggie experience
i used to hate veggies except for lumpia and upo
and now i am adding sayote to my list of preferred veggies
and my housemates said that they'll make me eat more veggies
we'll see...

maan is temporarily staying with us with russell and paul
her jokes make us forget homesickness =)

they're gonna go swimming downstairs later
hay!
i really wanna join them but they won't allow me to
afraid that my colds will get worse

our training starts on monday
they said dbs training is really tough
hopefully we can make it to the floor

i gained weight
and i hate it
starting monday i'll start my diet
or self-starvation?
hehe!

my family sent me yema ensaymada and other goods through maan's cousin
i am craving for nestea icetea
good thing we brought several sachets from manila

will rest again tonight
hopefully i can sleep early
still having difficulty sleeping at night

we will be working during the day
so i have to get used to sleeping at night

they said it's still raining back in manila

we have the same timezone here and in manila

i can't see the sun anymore
the sun set 15 minutes ago

i admit

opo, baliw ako

at sabog!

sabog!

i woke up at 3pm
had lunch of buttered shrimp and soup courtesy of annie and christine
my head is still aching becaus of too much sleep
hehe!
we don't need to go to dbs or anywhere until friday
so we'll just bum around
my batchmates are still here
they'll probably get a place of their own tomorrow
hello, homesickness!
haha!
just noticed that my posts last night are so sabog!
was so tired last night but we didn't sleep until 4am
annie and i had a lot of catching up to do
we're not yet done
just finished posting photos to my multiply account
will take more photos later
=)

have to go!
need to make myself presentable
we have inuman later
jp might drop by

9pm, 13b avila gardens

just had a dinner of chicken adobo and rice with my new housemates and my dbs batchmates
maan and christine (my roommate) are smoking at the terrace
i'm enjoying free wireless internet courtesy of maan the illegal hacker, hehe!

will transfer our pix later (if i'm not sleepy yet)

really need to sleep
been awake since 6am today
we had to report to dbs for our medical exam this morning
had my second mrt ride today
i think i'm gonna get used to this at the least possible time, hehe!

i'm craving for chocolates and potato chips
hay!
and iced venti white mocha!

over 24 hours of different life

boarded PR503 at 7:15am yesterday

having been awake for almost 48 hours to enjoy my last few hours in manila i fell asleep once i made myself comfortable in seat 69a

woke up for a few minutes to enjoy my breakfast of chicken sausage, scrambled egg and a piece of bread

after 2 glasses of water, i slept again



my mind was still cloudy after sleeping for the whole duration of our flight

but as our plane approached changi runway, i cannot help but wonder what lies ahead for us

what lies ahead for me in this foreign place



during my send off party last sunday night

my dad still can't believe that his little girl is leaving home (little girl? haha!)

he's worried how their unica hija, who does not even know how to cross the street and who has a very bad sense of direction, could live alone



fine, i admit, i'm scared, worried, anxious but excited for this

i still can't believe that i made this decision

still can't believe that i'm miles away from home

last few minutes

it's 30 minutes past 8am
i've been awake for over 24 hours
my eyes are hurting from staring at my monitor almost all night
my head is aching
my heart?
hay!

just have to finish my exit interview essay...

last day?

i'm at the office

had my exit interview few hours ago

and according to jean, it's the longest session she had so far

hahaha!

like what i've told my mom when we talked about my Chase life yesterday

i can confidently say that i had the best times with Chase

i was with the best people

well, except for one or two or three?

haha!

i spent more than a month deciding whether to push through with my resignation or not

i love my job

not everyone will get this amount of money every 12th or 27th (or sometimes earlier) of the month and just spend the day doing nothing
well, not everyday
but i can get away doing nothing at all in a day if i don't feel like doing anything at all
hehe!
bad!

i love the people

well, there are some who exudes negative energy that no talisman can oppose
i've been with them
they did almost everything to make me fall
well, being the bitch that i am, i'm still standing proud
laughing at their pathetic effort to bring me down

i'm most thankful to the people who made my stay with Chase worth remembering
to rei for being my first and most favorite trainer,
mimi, beth, june, flo and louie for making me realize what i can do during my first days in production,
ms peaches, my first sup
my sykes wave 39 teammates for doubting my performance
to wax, for believing in me, for the encouragement and for the challenges,
to my batchmates who stood by me when i was promoted,
ryan, luci, and rj, for being my mentors
wilma, wilson, pip and adei for being my first sykes friends =)
judith, for being my mentor in training (sorry my heart was not at it)
wave 15, for being my friends, yosi buddies, tambay buddies, for everything
to marj and tariq for the realization of my goals
my first team, the one i took over after gus moved to research, for the lessons i've learned and for helping me with my transition from SME to sup
to my wave 17 team for the criticisms, conflicts, fun, mind-boggling questions and concerns, and for making me somewhat perfect my team-handling skills
to luisa's pod for all the fun and hardwork
to luisa for allowing me to work on my own and for respecting my decisions,
to myla, pongs, simels, denmark, dennis and mel, chelou, annie and randy for being my brothers and sisters (boracay will always be close to my heart because of you)
to kimmy for the advices
to iyc, janet, tj, alex, charm for being competent CAPs
to yoj, benneth, alden, scav, jinna, chir, mau, divine, karen, pier and ivy for accepting me in their team, for the laughs, support, ka-weirduhan, kulit, for just being there (though i hate them for making me think more than ten times about leaving - ang hirap nyo iwan, guys)
to dennis, yoj, maan, bry, alden (and mina) for a very memorable tagaytay trip on my birthday

well, four days to go and i'll be in singapore

will i survive?
yes, i'm a tough person
i've escaped a lot of big, bad wolves
i've countered numerous bad spells
will i survive the feeling of missing my life here?
missing the people here?

well, it'll take time for me to have yosi alone, with johannie or whoever i'm gonna be with
without thinking of my yosi buddies here
it would take time for me to get used to wednesday nights without eastwood tambay sessions
it would take time for me to get used to saturday mornings without salcedo market breakfast or starbucks pearl bank kwentuhan
i would take time for me to get used to not receiving texts from people on my globe kababayan or singtel number (especially texts advising that they cannot go to work or that they will be late for work ;p)

i think this will be the last day that i will be sitting here, using Chase pc for whatever i wanna do
i'm not sure when will i be able to join you for yosi at the 9th floor, front or back of philam
or join you for lunch at jollibee

guys, i'll miss you...

4 days

after so much thought, yes, i'm leaving

new hair? di obvious. hehe!

i refuse to

I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn't me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. There was no hope left for us. As each day passed, it became clearer and clearer to me that it was never meant to be. We were never meant to be.

I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn't control me any longer. Don't get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won't let it hold me back. I won't let it ruin who I was and who I am now. For a time, I almost forgot who I was without you. I'll never let that happen again. I won't ever lose myself again.

I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I've been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I'm going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going but months have passed, I haven't heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine.

I refuse to believe that you didn't love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you really did love me.

I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things from all of this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I didn't regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. The hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you.

A letter to the one God has prepared for me

I am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other, many times I thought I finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended.

I get up each morning, hoping, dreaming, and longing to meet you. I am thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones I have seen in movies? Or is it possible that I have known you all my life but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? Oh how I wish you are here right now because you are the only one who has the answers to all my questions.

Sometimes I ask myself if i’ve really known “love”. I do not have the answer to that question either but I believe, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person… and since I haven’t found you yet, then maybe I do not really know what love is! You just don’t know how dream of finally knowing what it feels to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways! I don’t really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes.

I think of all the pain that i’ve gone through in the past and of how much I cried since the day I began my search. I just want you to know that I find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me - the life I shall spend with you. In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all the pain and sacrifice. After all, the tears had become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect — for you!

I wonder if you’ve gone through so much pain as well, I wonder if you’ve been hurt so many times along the journey. But my dearest one, please don’t ever give up because I am right here, patiently waiting for you. I assure you when we finally find each other I would slowly heal those wounds with my love, at night, I would look out my window and stare at the beautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to heaven s above thinking that in time they would reach you. When I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and you are longing to see me as well. It is funny when I finally fall asleep; it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams. It seems that for now, it is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love, and this, all the more, makes me want t wake up and face the new day ahead of me with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you are worth the wait. And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then I would simply look back at all that i’ve been through, in spite of all the pain and amidst the simple joys of life-I would be very thankful because they all led me to you. In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to your dream and don’t even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. Don’t worry, don’t be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you chose to follow, leads to Jesus.

-anonymous-

I'm ready this time
I know that I'm no longer undecided
Don't wanna be
A fool wondering what might have been

been here in Makati since 9am
tambay with jacq at starbucks
meet friends and had lunch at greenbelt
had dinner at dencio's with E.
i should not be here at the office
i'm on leave
but i can't help it
i wanna see my Chase family ;p
i know i have to go home now
im tired and i wanna rest
just a few minutes more...

paalam...

turning points...

there are the moments
when the world
holds its breath for you,
moments of decision
that change your life forever
as you move on from here,
things will be different around you
but the inner you,
where the courage is,
where the love is,
where the dreams are,
will never change.

i'm leaving
hay!

last 5 days at work

that is if i'm still gonna take my 3-day leave next week

and so far i haven't decided if i would or not

i know i have lots of things to do

i have to prepare for my upcoming departure

am i being so sensitive today?
or it is the people around me
i don't know

i'm not happy
my last 6 days at Chase
and everyone seems not to care
well, not everyone
but those who are really important to me
ironic?

23 days to go!

i'm not yet ok
been like this since i came in
and it's been 5 hours

The world is going to throw us a million reasons why this isn't gonna work out between us, but I'm armed with the one reason why it will... I love you

I will love you no matter what.
I will love you if you are stupid,
if you slip and fall on your face,
if you do the wrong thing,
if you make mistakes,
if you behave like a human being
I will love you no matter.

9:04PM Manila time
i'm here at the office trying to keep myself busy
but i can't start working
i'm not in the mood to work
after this entry i think i'll go downstairs for a smoke

what's adding up to my bad mood today?
there's this sup near my area that i don't like much
hmm...i'm just being nice
i don't like her at all
she's so annoying
she's so loud
and i find her fake

i'm not really this nasty
gave up that bad attitude months ago

just don't know why i really don't like her
the sound of her laughter is competing with my loud music
argh!
hope she'll just keep her mouth shut
and i hope she'll have tons of work to do to keep her busy

i don't really know what's with me these days
i tend to be irritable
separation anxiety?
i don't know
can someone tell me what's going on?

change of departure date
i'm gonna be leaving on august 13th
i'll have extra 7 days to prepare

i'm not okay today
didn't get enough sleep

don't feel like dressing up to look good today
just went to work wearing my white mango shirt and black pants
very basic
and a pair of ipanemas

didn't even bother to make sure that my hair is ok
just got my haircut last saturday

don't know what's with me today
don't feel like talking to people
turned of my phone's vibra-alert and tones
music blasting through my earphones

hope i'm gonna be ok as soon as my team arrives

*crossing my fingers*

my wishlist
things i wanna do, places i wanna go to before i leave for singapore:

go to EK, trinoma, MOA, UP
go to bora, batangas or any beach (think i won't have time for this anymore)
eat at chocolate kiss, max brenner, seafood club
shop for pink luggage with flowers or red luggage with stars
shop for shirts, jeans, shoes, etc
meet up with hsbc friends, college friends, hs friends, other barkadas
gimik with my chase team, chase friends
videoke at redbox
etc
etc
etc

well, i don't think i'll have time to do all i wanted to do
i just submitted my resignation today
and i'm gonna work until aug 3
whew! i'm leaving on the 6th
so i only have weekends and evenings to do all these
wehehe!
*wawa*

5:35pm Manila time, July 16, 2007

got the text i've been waiting for since last week
i got my singapore employment pass and my flight date
i'm leaving on august 6
that's 3 weeks from now!
mixed feelings
relief, happiness, shock, panic, anxiety, depression, regret, excitement, etc.
still cannot believe i'm leaving so soon
thought i'm still gonna be here the whole month of august
not that i'm complaining
i really wanna go to singapore

concern 1: how am i gonna schedule all the gimiks? 3 weekends to go..
i have to be with my family
and i can't skip work because i just filed my resignation today
less than 30 days to go so i have to go to work during wednesdays
and use my ILs and VLs from august 6 to 16
good thing my boss already acknowledged my resignation letter
thought i'm gonna have a problem with that

concern 2: i haven't packed my things yet
i haven't found my dream luggage
pink with flowers or red with stars
hehe!
will start on my list of things to bring later (hopefully i'll have time for that)

concern 3: who will take care of my 'pinakamamahal na team'
i don't want them to be distributed to different teams
i know how well they work as a team
and i hate myself for having the courage to leave them
just when things are doing really well
100% csat for the month! not anyone can do that
*sigh*

concern 4: so many things to do, so little time

hope i can do everything i wanted to do
things i've planned to do before i leave
coz i really don't know when i'll be back
we'll see...

never thought i'm gonna like this song. i don't have anything against toni gonzaga but i don't really like her. ;p

like this part of catch me i'm falling:

How can something so wrong
Feel so right all along
Catch me I’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong
For the two come along
Catch me I’m falling for you

How can love let it grow
When it has no place to go
And I can’t go along pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me I’m falling for you

Cause I could just walk away
Without you thinking today
I would die just thinking of you
I know we can never be
More than friends you and me
But why do I feel this way

had 5 sticks of yosi earlier
can't help it
stressed
can't concentrate on what i'm doing
i hate what i need to do

so far i have listened to 3 recordings
still haven't started the documentations
need to browse through the employee handbook again
and this is just a part of what i hate in giving DAs

have talk to the person involved tomorrow when she gets back
hopefully she won't be too emotional
or defensive
coz at my current physical and emotional state
i'm not too confident that i will be able to handle that

can't take a leave yet
can't skip work
probably next week
**crossing my fingers**

i'm so sleepy
hoping for a peaceful sleep later
don't think i can still finish this before my team's shift ends
think i just have to go to work early tonight

ho-hum!

i used to love wednesdays

wednesday = restday
tambay after shift
starbucks, glorietta or eastwood
go home before 4pm
sleep a little
gimik starts again around 9pm
ends before lunch the next day
sleep then go to work again

today is not my usual wednesday
i'm here at work
had to be here an hour earlier than usual
to do list longer than yesterday's list
empty cups of water, coffee, iced tea on my desk
messy hair, pale lips, eyebags
jeans, shirt and chucks

God knows how tired I am!
and I my to do list still shows more than half of unaccomplished tasked
just have to get used to this new role

i'm so sleepy
my system is as stubborn as i am
sleepy when i'm not supposed to sleep
and not sleepy when i badly needed to
haven't gotten decent sleep since friday

i know i'm not ok
coz i feel dizzy and weak
took anti-histamine (even if i don't have allergy ;p) coz they said that it's supposed to make me sleep in a snap
well, i slept
but it was a restless sleep
i'm tired
but i know i have to be strong and healthy

i just noticed that while i'm typing this entry
i've been listening to the same call recording over and over again
i need my nicotine dose
but i know that i'll pass out if i smoke another stick
so how can i concentrate?

i need to decide on a very critical issue
argh!
i hate to give DAs coz it's a waste of time to do the documentations
don't wanna see the look on the person's face once the DA was served
don't wanna see them lose motivation and their performance go down to drain

**sigh**

few minutes before everyone ends their shift

i've had a stick of winston lights a few minutes earlier
it didn't uplift my mood
still don't feel like talking to anyone
divine is asking if i'm up to RedBox later
can't say yes but don't wanna say no yet
i don't know
starbucks?
i don't think so
basketball game?
i don't know
i just hope i know why i'm like this
hope this is just a case of kabaliwan
don't know what to do 'coz this is the very first time i've felt this way
a bit gloomy, a bit sensitive
not happy at all

i'm not used to seeing my face in the mirror without a smile
wearing make up and shiny gloss didn't help at all

aftershock?
from what?

adjustment?

separation anxiety?

not a typical friday

so busy with work
done more than what i usually do on a busy day
can't blame anyone
not a time management issue
or should i say blame myself for these?
thinking about what yoj said earlier
am i really just keeping myself busy to avoid thinking about anything else?
to avoid caring about anything else?
am i really shutting out the world?
the thing is i don't know
i'm not even aware that i'm busy
i'm not aware that i've been in front of my computer for hours
i didn't notice that i missed my first break and lunch until yoj and divine called my attention
iyc asked me if i have a problem 'coz i'm not talking to anyone
sitting in front of my computer with earphones on and face saying "BACK OFF!"
honestly, i didn't know that i already gave them that impression

still, i'm not doing anything about it
i'm here in front of my computer
typing like mad
still with earphones on listening to my fave Bonnie Bailey's Ever After over and over again
pretending be working on a case
just not to be disturbed by anyone

what is my problem?

i don't know!

i've always been on the cheerful side
until last night

i don't know what's with me why i went directly to my station
and started this blog
and after 8 hours of trying to figure out what to write
here i am typing madly
changed the template more than thrice
changed the fonts, colors
tried to write but after reading the entry, deleting it

i've monitored calls from other teams
'coz i don't feel like giving a perfect score
worked on a call for over 10 minutes
playing it over and over again and noticing even the smallest error
OC? i don't know

this is the first thing that this happened to me
i know i'm not in the mood to talk to anybody
answer texts messages so i kept my cellphone off
not even in the mood to have my dose of nicotine!

i know i'm working like a perfectionist bitch today
no excuses for that
i just hope know the reason why i'm like this

can somebody tell me?