last 5 days at work

that is if i'm still gonna take my 3-day leave next week

and so far i haven't decided if i would or not

i know i have lots of things to do

i have to prepare for my upcoming departure

am i being so sensitive today?
or it is the people around me
i don't know

i'm not happy
my last 6 days at Chase
and everyone seems not to care
well, not everyone
but those who are really important to me
ironic?

23 days to go!

i'm not yet ok
been like this since i came in
and it's been 5 hours

The world is going to throw us a million reasons why this isn't gonna work out between us, but I'm armed with the one reason why it will... I love you

I will love you no matter what.
I will love you if you are stupid,
if you slip and fall on your face,
if you do the wrong thing,
if you make mistakes,
if you behave like a human being
I will love you no matter.

9:04PM Manila time
i'm here at the office trying to keep myself busy
but i can't start working
i'm not in the mood to work
after this entry i think i'll go downstairs for a smoke

what's adding up to my bad mood today?
there's this sup near my area that i don't like much
hmm...i'm just being nice
i don't like her at all
she's so annoying
she's so loud
and i find her fake

i'm not really this nasty
gave up that bad attitude months ago

just don't know why i really don't like her
the sound of her laughter is competing with my loud music
argh!
hope she'll just keep her mouth shut
and i hope she'll have tons of work to do to keep her busy

i don't really know what's with me these days
i tend to be irritable
separation anxiety?
i don't know
can someone tell me what's going on?

change of departure date
i'm gonna be leaving on august 13th
i'll have extra 7 days to prepare

i'm not okay today
didn't get enough sleep

don't feel like dressing up to look good today
just went to work wearing my white mango shirt and black pants
very basic
and a pair of ipanemas

didn't even bother to make sure that my hair is ok
just got my haircut last saturday

don't know what's with me today
don't feel like talking to people
turned of my phone's vibra-alert and tones
music blasting through my earphones

hope i'm gonna be ok as soon as my team arrives

*crossing my fingers*

my wishlist
things i wanna do, places i wanna go to before i leave for singapore:

go to EK, trinoma, MOA, UP
go to bora, batangas or any beach (think i won't have time for this anymore)
eat at chocolate kiss, max brenner, seafood club
shop for pink luggage with flowers or red luggage with stars
shop for shirts, jeans, shoes, etc
meet up with hsbc friends, college friends, hs friends, other barkadas
gimik with my chase team, chase friends
videoke at redbox
etc
etc
etc

well, i don't think i'll have time to do all i wanted to do
i just submitted my resignation today
and i'm gonna work until aug 3
whew! i'm leaving on the 6th
so i only have weekends and evenings to do all these
wehehe!
*wawa*

5:35pm Manila time, July 16, 2007

got the text i've been waiting for since last week
i got my singapore employment pass and my flight date
i'm leaving on august 6
that's 3 weeks from now!
mixed feelings
relief, happiness, shock, panic, anxiety, depression, regret, excitement, etc.
still cannot believe i'm leaving so soon
thought i'm still gonna be here the whole month of august
not that i'm complaining
i really wanna go to singapore

concern 1: how am i gonna schedule all the gimiks? 3 weekends to go..
i have to be with my family
and i can't skip work because i just filed my resignation today
less than 30 days to go so i have to go to work during wednesdays
and use my ILs and VLs from august 6 to 16
good thing my boss already acknowledged my resignation letter
thought i'm gonna have a problem with that

concern 2: i haven't packed my things yet
i haven't found my dream luggage
pink with flowers or red with stars
hehe!
will start on my list of things to bring later (hopefully i'll have time for that)

concern 3: who will take care of my 'pinakamamahal na team'
i don't want them to be distributed to different teams
i know how well they work as a team
and i hate myself for having the courage to leave them
just when things are doing really well
100% csat for the month! not anyone can do that
*sigh*

concern 4: so many things to do, so little time

hope i can do everything i wanted to do
things i've planned to do before i leave
coz i really don't know when i'll be back
we'll see...

never thought i'm gonna like this song. i don't have anything against toni gonzaga but i don't really like her. ;p

like this part of catch me i'm falling:

How can something so wrong
Feel so right all along
Catch me I’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong
For the two come along
Catch me I’m falling for you

How can love let it grow
When it has no place to go
And I can’t go along pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me I’m falling for you

Cause I could just walk away
Without you thinking today
I would die just thinking of you
I know we can never be
More than friends you and me
But why do I feel this way

had 5 sticks of yosi earlier
can't help it
stressed
can't concentrate on what i'm doing
i hate what i need to do

so far i have listened to 3 recordings
still haven't started the documentations
need to browse through the employee handbook again
and this is just a part of what i hate in giving DAs

have talk to the person involved tomorrow when she gets back
hopefully she won't be too emotional
or defensive
coz at my current physical and emotional state
i'm not too confident that i will be able to handle that

can't take a leave yet
can't skip work
probably next week
**crossing my fingers**

i'm so sleepy
hoping for a peaceful sleep later
don't think i can still finish this before my team's shift ends
think i just have to go to work early tonight

ho-hum!

i used to love wednesdays

wednesday = restday
tambay after shift
starbucks, glorietta or eastwood
go home before 4pm
sleep a little
gimik starts again around 9pm
ends before lunch the next day
sleep then go to work again

today is not my usual wednesday
i'm here at work
had to be here an hour earlier than usual
to do list longer than yesterday's list
empty cups of water, coffee, iced tea on my desk
messy hair, pale lips, eyebags
jeans, shirt and chucks

God knows how tired I am!
and I my to do list still shows more than half of unaccomplished tasked
just have to get used to this new role

i'm so sleepy
my system is as stubborn as i am
sleepy when i'm not supposed to sleep
and not sleepy when i badly needed to
haven't gotten decent sleep since friday

i know i'm not ok
coz i feel dizzy and weak
took anti-histamine (even if i don't have allergy ;p) coz they said that it's supposed to make me sleep in a snap
well, i slept
but it was a restless sleep
i'm tired
but i know i have to be strong and healthy

i just noticed that while i'm typing this entry
i've been listening to the same call recording over and over again
i need my nicotine dose
but i know that i'll pass out if i smoke another stick
so how can i concentrate?

i need to decide on a very critical issue
argh!
i hate to give DAs coz it's a waste of time to do the documentations
don't wanna see the look on the person's face once the DA was served
don't wanna see them lose motivation and their performance go down to drain

**sigh**

few minutes before everyone ends their shift

i've had a stick of winston lights a few minutes earlier
it didn't uplift my mood
still don't feel like talking to anyone
divine is asking if i'm up to RedBox later
can't say yes but don't wanna say no yet
i don't know
starbucks?
i don't think so
basketball game?
i don't know
i just hope i know why i'm like this
hope this is just a case of kabaliwan
don't know what to do 'coz this is the very first time i've felt this way
a bit gloomy, a bit sensitive
not happy at all

i'm not used to seeing my face in the mirror without a smile
wearing make up and shiny gloss didn't help at all

aftershock?
from what?

adjustment?

separation anxiety?

not a typical friday

so busy with work
done more than what i usually do on a busy day
can't blame anyone
not a time management issue
or should i say blame myself for these?
thinking about what yoj said earlier
am i really just keeping myself busy to avoid thinking about anything else?
to avoid caring about anything else?
am i really shutting out the world?
the thing is i don't know
i'm not even aware that i'm busy
i'm not aware that i've been in front of my computer for hours
i didn't notice that i missed my first break and lunch until yoj and divine called my attention
iyc asked me if i have a problem 'coz i'm not talking to anyone
sitting in front of my computer with earphones on and face saying "BACK OFF!"
honestly, i didn't know that i already gave them that impression

still, i'm not doing anything about it
i'm here in front of my computer
typing like mad
still with earphones on listening to my fave Bonnie Bailey's Ever After over and over again
pretending be working on a case
just not to be disturbed by anyone

what is my problem?

i don't know!

i've always been on the cheerful side
until last night

i don't know what's with me why i went directly to my station
and started this blog
and after 8 hours of trying to figure out what to write
here i am typing madly
changed the template more than thrice
changed the fonts, colors
tried to write but after reading the entry, deleting it

i've monitored calls from other teams
'coz i don't feel like giving a perfect score
worked on a call for over 10 minutes
playing it over and over again and noticing even the smallest error
OC? i don't know

this is the first thing that this happened to me
i know i'm not in the mood to talk to anybody
answer texts messages so i kept my cellphone off
not even in the mood to have my dose of nicotine!

i know i'm working like a perfectionist bitch today
no excuses for that
i just hope know the reason why i'm like this

can somebody tell me?